Ways to scare the living hell out of your neighbors

Walk around the yard carrying an ax.
Put a severed head (preferably a fake one) in the front yard, hide in the bushes & call out, “Save me!” when people walk by.
Put mannequins in the front yard and blend in among them until the kiddies come around, then move in for the scare.

Reasons to stay inside on Halloween.

You don’t have any clean sheets to make your usual ghost costume with.
You’ll get jumped if the kids think you have candy.
You’ll finally get all …

In a cauldron, pour a large can of bloody tomato sauce.
Add five-fingered flesh, seared by torches.
Pour in a can of carrots and a can of potatoes.
Season with spiders.
Serve to your not-so-favorite neighbors.
Cackle afterward.

Henry Waxman – He looks like one of them.

Justin Bieber – Please!

Lady Gaga – Do us all a favor…

No, I don’t have any drugs. I left them at home.
I don’t know how fast I was going because the speedometer only goes up to 120.
Yes, I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn’t see you.
I may be drunk, but you’re ugly.
Want a doughnut?
Yes, sir. (Said to a lady cop)
Wait right here. I’ll be right back.
…and more below the jump.

Compiled by NOVA Fortnightly staff (because we had nothing better to do with our time off)

14 things you should not have done…

Stayed home. WTF?
Worn a Speedo. We don’t care how popular it is in Europe.

The top ten Valentine’s Day pick-up lines as submitted by the staff of the NOVA Fortnightly.

It was twistedly romantic. It was spontaneous. It was magical. It was our first date, Valentine’s Day. It was a fateful decision.

We met at his condo in downtown Baltimore as to take one car. The limo was a nice touch, I will admit, though a little superfluous for a first date. None the less I felt flattered he would go to such a length. I don’t remember much about the conversation on the way to dinner but I do remember being smitten with his complicated cantations, higher education, and the fact that he was studying medical law. My first eyebrow raise being postponed until he mentioned how loaded his parents were, one of many times. I wrote his sticky conversation skills up to being nervous and brushed away the awkwardness. After all he was tall, handsome, fit and educated. A wonder to be single. Curious.